stumbling towards faith

today it is my immense pleasure to participate in the virtual book tour with author, blogger and friend renee altson. (in her honour there will be no capital letters today, although it's killing me to do it!) renee's recently-released book, stumbling toward faith: my longing to heal from the evil that god allowed, is published by Zondervan/EmergentYS and can be purchased from ys or amazon. (please note: for every book purchased online at their site, ys will donate a dollar to becky's house, a san diego area residential program for victims of domestic violence and their children.)

let me make this very clear: you should read this book. actually, let me clarify that statement. if you like happy endings, if you don't like to question God, if you think praying harder will solve all life's difficulties, if you don't like unresolved pain, and if you think "the church" can do no wrong then you should not read this book. renee writes with honesty and raw beauty about her experience, and this is a story we all need to know if we are to have any hope of being salt and light (i hesitate to use the word "relevance", but it's probably applicable). i have been reading renee's blog for some time, but my respect for her has reached new levels after reading stumbling.

here's an excerpt from the foreword by phyllis tickle:

"this is the first work from an immensely gifted young writer for whom, pray god, we will receive many, many more words marshaled to her strange beat, and through whom, pray god, we will gain purchase over many more demons and wild things, caught momentarily in her verbal lens."

in her book renee talks about issues most of us wish she would just leave alone. these are issues we can choose to ignore if we wish. many of us have that luxury... renee does not. this is first-person stuff; this is her life. that she has survived to share with us is a miracle. that she chooses to share with us is a testimony to her great courage and strength.

listen to renee's own explanation:

"stumbling toward faith was written out of my attempt to make sense of what happened to me. it doesn't go into the whole of my story, and sometimes there are only occasional dips into the depths of my pain. ultimately, though, it is an attempt at an apology; a reconciliation of my faith, my desire to believe, the hope of a love that i can not understand. it's a difficult book, but i believe that it is the creation of something beautiful out of the rubble of my life."

today i'd like to mix some of renee's thoughts - both from the book and from other conversations - with my own, and see where that leads.

the words "passion"" and "burden" are synonymous to me, and renee's story has hit at two of mine. first, there is the issue of rethinking church. in it's "new"" form it must be a place where brokenness is accepted, and embraced. We are all broken people, and we are all on a never-ending journey of healing. the church has for the most part failed to understand this.

from renee:

i believe that much of institutionalized christianity and its christian bubble culture has created a world that will inevitably leave us less human. the church has become a place that justifies its treatment of people with (in) the name of god. the church has a short tolerance for grief, for brokenness, but it has a timetable for treating it. the church has an instant answer, a heavenly prozac: the lord jesus himself.

i know that for me, on some days, i can't get out of bed in the morning. i'm no less a believer than i was the day before. i'm no more a sinner than i was before i awakened. but healing, and trust, and moving on, is a journey. it's a cycle. it's one moment after one breath after one sigh. and somehow, i don't understand it, and some days i don't even believe it, but god is there in those moments and breaths and sighs, and god waits with me in my sadness.

when will the church be willing to enter into its people's brokenness? when will it learn the value, the necessity, of holding a friend's hand and being silent? when will it allow people their own journeys through their pain? their own timetable for being well? when can the church truly believe, and accept that even in sorrow (and perhaps, especially in sorrow) itself we find god?

for many of us, church has been the one place where we need to wear a mask. "how are you?" the expected answer: "fine". paint on a smile and move on. at best, others don't want to hear our litany of complaints. (and my, we can complain.) at worst, our professed imperfection casts doubts on the institution of our faith. after all, we're only as strong as our weakest link, and if you're not doing cartwheels down the aisle you just may bring this whole house of cards down. don't get me wrong: I'm not advocating "wallowing". god takes our stories and redeems them. however, he does so in his own time - not ours.

as we look to live together in community we'll need to get comfortable with the lack of control this scenario presents. our faith is one of paradoxes, and we'll have to face yet another. in one hand we'll need to hold lightly the redemptive nature of god, and in the other the brokenness of our own stories - stories that god takes and builds into the framework of his own.

renee's story also scrapes a nerve for me in a similar yet different way. so much of the work of our own ministry revolves around the issue of women who suffer, either actively or passively, at the hands of the church. where we naively thought the church would be a safe place for victims of abuse to heal, we instead often find that the institution has a history of being part of the problem as opposed to part of the solution. notice I said "often", not "always". i'm not here to bash the church, but to learn from our mistakes.

even within the church good intentions can lead to destinations we would rather not visit. listen again to renee:

there have been a lot of abusive christians with power in my life. i believe that some of them truly thought they were thinking, speaking, and acting on behalf of god. they believed what they were doing. they thought they were helping me.

i can't speak for these people. whether abuse for abuse's sake, or abuse for some misguided theology's sake... I don't know. what i do know is we have to get beyond this question. and we have to get beyond this gospel - a gospel that would through it's silence stand by and condone any form of abuse.

i'm going to leave you with those thoughts. I hope they provoke you. I hope they anger you. I hope they cause you to think.

renee is a prophet, because as i said at the outset she says things that people do not want to hear. the lable also applies because in listening to her words we have the opportunity to hear from god's heart.

i have no idea what it must have taken to write this book, but our best and only response is to read it, and to embrace renee and her story.

_______________________________________________________

renee's next stops on the tour:
monday, september 27 - chris erdman
tuesday, september 28 - lily lewin

Comments

[bobbie]

embrace the lower case mike! you can do it!! btw - i saw a couple upper case in the 'z'ondervan and 'e'mergent words!! i think renee will forgive though! :)

[anj]

Mike, you are a braver soul than I, the lower case is impossible for me. renee is a prophet, and I agree with you, we would all do well to read and embrace.

[sue]

Renee,
I have followed your journey for some time now. You are brave, courageous and strong. "creating something beautiful out of the rubble..." you are certainly doing that, in your life and in the lives of others who will gain needed courage through yours. Your book is en route and I can't wait to read it. Thank you for the gift of your story.
Peace,
Sue

[wes]

mike...

well done! your own writing is valued, too. keep it up...please.

...wes

[Katinka Sofie]

Just be surfing around in net. I definitely fpund a very informal place with a lot of good stuff for everybody. I will
certainly visit your site again sometime. Really good work.